inner battle with oneself

Honestly I feel that I have been fighting with myself all this time. I want to be a better person every time but I don't think I am going anywhere. 

Sometimes I feel confident about myself and I tell myself that I am capable, I can, I am great. But sometimes I feel that I am useless, I can't do anything, and I need external validation from other people that I can. But then when I get external validation most times, I don't believe it and I wonder if people just validate me to please me or make me feel better.

I don't know if this is just my problem, but I wish I am a better person. The person I want to be is the person that is confident that she can do her best. The person I want to be is the person who does not care what other people think of her, but would like to contribute and help other people to be better regardless of the rewards. I find it very hard to get to this ideal state. I don't know why, I get inspired once in while and then I forget.

I want to be less competitive and not trying to please people or trying to proof myself to other people. But it seems to be my natural response in many occasions, which make me hate myself after it happens.

I am battling myself every time, I want to be a better person but will I ever be better if I am constantly stuck in this circle of insecurity?

Catherine in the future - read this and hopefully one day check the box and tell me you have become a better person,

from Catherine 2019.